Some individuals are followers of the Philadelphia Eagles. However many, many extra individuals are NOT followers of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2022 Defector NFL group preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews thus far right here.
Your group: Philadelphia Eagles.
Your 2021 document: 9-8. The Eagles began final season 2-5, largely as a result of they have been underneath the mistaken impression that they knew easy methods to go the soccer. As soon as higher groups disabused them of that notion, they shifted proper into Air Drive Mode and ran an offense that made the corpse of Buddy Ryan rock arduous. That sea change in philosophy resulted in Philly profitable 4 of their final 5 video games and making the playoffs. Mark Wahlberg will play Jalen Hurts within the film based mostly on that turnaround.
However look nearer and out of the blue final season appears significantly much less inspiring. The Eagles didn’t beat a single playoff group all season, and eight of their 9 wins got here in opposition to groups with shedding information. We name this NFC Eastflation. The alternate charge for such victories to actual victories is precisely 0.4. They let Derek Carr full 91.1 p.c of his passes in opposition to them. They misplaced to the Chargers on the gun, at residence. They didn’t win a house recreation till the week earlier than Thanksgiving, in actual fact. They obtained swept by Dallas, permitting the Cowboys a median of 46 factors in every contest. And as soon as they entered the playoff subject, the Bucs smoked them like a pack of unfiltered Camels.
Tampa Bay led 17-0 on the half of that recreation. These Eagles weren’t constructed to return from one level down, a lot much less 17 of them. I’d have fairly watched a Woody Allen film.
That Bucs loss confirmed you who the 2021 Eagles actually have been, and it’s necessary you do not forget that when a bunch of prognosticators get all sexy about their probabilities in 2022. True, 2021 was a relative success for this ball membership. After spending the prior offseason buying and selling away their beginning quarterback and firing their Tremendous Bowl profitable head coach for the cardinal sin of obeying direct orders from group administration, you had each proper to assume that the Eagles would go 1-72. As a substitute, one thing even higher occurred, which is that they deluded their followers into believing that they’re an precise group.
Their QB was practically crushed to dying by a falling stadium platform. Their offensive line died.
Your coach: The Relaxation Attacker.
“We’re attacking the little parts of that day, right? The players right now are attacking rest.”
And after they’re finished doing that, my gamers are gonna ATTACK getting away from bed. Then they’re gonna ATTACK the method of looking across the pantry for a granola bar. Then they’re gonna ATTACK getting within the automotive and ATTACK obeying all site visitors lights and cease indicators. Then they’re gonna get out a RIFLE and SHOOT neighborhood canine as they drive by.
Anyway, your head coach is Nick Sirianni, who has greater than a contact of Dan Campbellness in him. He’s the PG model of Dan Campbell, and who isn’t inspired by that?
Your quarterback: The Eagles are the uncommon group that has two shitty quarterbacks that individuals discuss themselves into. It’s like having double Marcus Mariotas. On the prime of the depth chart we’ve Jalen Hurts, who’s solely efficient when enjoying in a school offense and working it in opposition to groups that suck at defending ANY offense. Behind Hurts is Gardner Minshew, who was a giant deal just a few years in the past as a result of he had a humorous mustache. FUN FACT: In keeping with this Ringer put up, Sirianni believes that Hurts can turn into a franchise cornerstone with only a few minor tweaks:
“The two areas where he thinks Hurts needs to develop are accuracy and decision-making.”
Ah sure, accuracy and decision-making. These two famously easy-to-pick-up quarterbacking abilities. I wager Hurts may study each these issues just by watching just a few YouTube movies. You and I may study them, too! ANYONE CAN. It’s so easy, God!
Anyway, Eagles GM Howie Roseman, who has extra lives than an Fringe of Tomorrow sequel, is constructing round a younger QB whereas that QB remains to be on his rookie deal. That’s all the time a good suggestion, except it occurs to be THIS younger QB. When Hurts fails this season and native followers go, BOOOO WE DON’T LIKE BLACK QUARTERBACKS NOT NAMED RANDALL CUNNINGHAM BOOOO, Roseman will lower bait on Hurts, draft another schmuck, win one other 9 video games with that schmuck, and repeat the method till the world has died.
What’s new that sucks: After commissioning a brand new banner to rejoice final 12 months’s Wild Card spot, Roseman went batshit loopy this offseason and loaded up the roster with the express purpose of shedding to Tom Brady by ONE landing within the postseason as a substitute of 38. He poached edge rusher Haason Reddick from Carolina. He grabbed nook James Bradberry from the Giants. And, as a capper, he suckered the Titans into buying and selling wideout AJ Brown to him. Huge change of surroundings for Brown, going from one aggressively conservative offense that underutilized him to a different that can function in the very same means.
Brown arrives on the NFL’s foremost wideout graveyard. And also you may assume to your self that, because the Eagles didn’t draft Brown themselves, he has an opportunity to keep away from the ignominious fates of Jalen Raegor, and Nelson Agholor, and Jordan Matthews, and Jeremy Maclin, and Jason Avant, and Reggie Brown, and Todd Pinkston, and Freddie Mitchell, and DeVonta Smith two years from now. No group has a extra storied historical past of drafting wideouts who can’t catch a soccer, however the Eagles are certainly not victims of unhealthy luck right here. No no no, they TEACH these wideouts easy methods to suck. They draft guys like Smith after which instruct them to catch passes by utilizing the GO GATORS hand sign as their major ball-securing approach. Then their followers go, MORE LIKE AJ CLOWN AMIRITE and also you by no means hear from these wideouts once more.
Brandon Brooks retired. The Eagles appeared to hit the motherlode within the draft when each Jordan Davis and Nakobe Dean fell to them within the first and third rounds, respectively. However Dean’s physique is fabricated from discarded popsicle sticks and Davis is the sort of fats man who can solely play two downs earlier than he must get hooked as much as an oxygen tank.
What has all the time sucked: These followers are a identified allergen.
I’m so fucking uninterested in these individuals. I’m uninterested in them dragging each dialog again to Philly prefer it was a situation of their fucking parole. I’m uninterested in them worshipping Allen Iverson like Allen Iverson ever gained a goddamn factor apart from his divorce trial. I’m uninterested in them STILL complaining that Joel Embiid wasn’t named MVP. I’m uninterested in them getting bundled up and driving over a bridge simply to say racial slurs within the car parking zone on the Linc. I’m uninterested in their stubble. I’m uninterested in the Wawa discourse, particularly when you could find a Wawa in fucking Florida when you really feel prefer it. I’m uninterested in them appearing like no shit-talk bothers them when solely Lenny Dykstra has a shorter fuse. I’m uninterested in them celebrating Kelly inexperienced like it will probably forestall COVID-19. I’m uninterested in them telling me, for the 50,000th time, that locals don’t truly go to Pat’s or Geno’s. Nobody cares. It’s a sandwich. Go fuck your self with one.
I’m uninterested in all issues Philly, and I hope you individuals by no means win a goddamn factor ever once more. The remainder of us People can’t stand you. We hope your households break aside and we hope that when Putin blows up that one nuclear plant in Ukraine, he airlifts the fallout materials straight onto your fucking metropolis. Your accent is a waste of time. Piss in your face.
Dallas Goedert hasn’t been the identical since shedding his looking companion. Jason Kelce and Fletcher Cox are a mixed 429 years previous. Each working again the Eagles have ever had weighs 104 kilos. Philly Particular isn’t taking place once more. The one individual alive worse than Bryce Harper is Doug Mastriano. Fuck Dr. Oz along with his personal scalpel.
Ratto says: It appears Nick Sirianni was greater than only a malaprop in a visor, however the matter of how lengthy he can relaxation on the laurels of being 9-8 within the worst division in soccer stays open. Jalen Hurts is the brand new quarterback of the long run with the notable benefit of by no means having performed in North Dakota. In a division that already has two franchise enhancers within the Giants and Commanders. The Eagles are in all probability attempting too arduous with this.
What may not suck: The O-line? It’s fairly good.
HEAR IT FROM EAGLES FANS!
Essentially the most thrilling a part of being an Eagles fan final 12 months was holding Indy’s conditional second spherical decide and needing Carson Wentz to play simply effectively sufficient to not be benched.
Being an Eagles fan signifies that, irrespective of your ethnicity or socioeconomic standing, you’re nonetheless white trash.
Just like the railing at FedEx Area, Jalen Hurts is a flimsy stand-in who’s been requested to help far more than he can deal with.
They fired their Tremendous Bowl profitable coach for an excitable pet who pisses on the ground once you’re not wanting.
Our coach has the worst beard within the league. Both develop a beard previous your jawline or don’t develop one. He appears like a NPC from a PS1 Tomb Raider recreation.
The concept Hurts is supposedly enhancing, the concept that he wants extra time to be absolutely evaluated, the concept that his intangibles akin to management are completely off the charts: all of those are candy nothings I inform myself late at night time to sleep higher. However they’re not the reality.
Our beginning QB has to place his whole physique into any throw over 20 yards.
Oh nice, we’ve a black quarterback who’s truly fairly thrilling and enjoyable to look at and can win us a number of video games, however our cracker-ass-cracker fanbase will concentrate on each shortcoming and barely hassle to hide their racism after they name into WIP and say he doesn’t have what it takes to be a winner. I’ve been coping with this shit for 30 years. This franchise and Wentz deserved one another.
A house Eagles recreation is the NFL’s equal to a Jimmy Buffet live performance. You’re going to get drunk and fistfight a goatee man named “Todd”. You don’t care concerning the music since you already comprehend it sucks.
Nick Sirianni obtained right into a combat with a Giants fan on a tennis courtroom within the rich New Jersey city he lives in.
Why did nobody inform me James Harden was fats?
The vibes are all immaculate I’m right here for it. However some rando depth piece like Christian Elliss is gonna say “Dream Team” and jinx this complete rattling factor. We’re going to begin 2-1 and nonetheless be subjected to around-the-clock WIP callers complaining that Jalen Hurts “lacks toughness.”
My daughter requested me why they booed Reagor so loudly. She additionally requested me what a “homo” is, as girls within the stadium lavatory referred to him as such. Who makes use of that phrase anymore? Oh proper, Delco.
We barely obtained any gradual decline or collapse into inadequacy; it was only a straight-up swan dive off the highest of the mountain.
Inform McQuade to chop his hair and shave his goddamn beard for fuck’s sake.
Angelo Cataldi gained’t retire till after the season.
We now have the worst fanbase in skilled sports activities, a dipshit megalomaniac proprietor who chased away a Tremendous Bowl-winning coach as a result of he didn’t name sufficient passing performs, and a GM who thinks he’s the subsequent Otto von Bismarck. Carson Wentz goes to throw for 9 touchdowns in opposition to our supposedly improved secondary this 12 months. We’re going to waste a stud receiving corps as a result of Jalen Hurts couldn’t hit a mattress from 30 yards away.
The Pissed Man Hall encompasses three main cities, starting in Philadelphia, extending by New York Metropolis, and ending in Boston. The identify comes from the statistically vital proportion of grownup males whose major persona trait is being pissed. For some, it’s a continuing, thrumming of underlying resentment as they continually scan each room they enter looking for a goal. For others, it’s their well-known tendency to flip a psychological swap from affable to popping the fuck off with little-to-no provocation. Nonetheless others merely inflect a level of being irritated at having to do or say actually something into each dialog they’ve underneath the idea that that is what sarcasm is. For the emotional coward (responsible), it’s a helpful crutch. If you find yourself afraid to specific what’s really inside you, being pissed at the least tasks the contours of a persona.
I say this as a result of I really like the Eagles and I really like being pissed with Eagles followers as a result of it’s what connects us. I’ll all the time have a few of that Pissed Man in me and it’s comforting in a technique to see it within the wild, as a result of it makes me nostalgic.
This 12 months’s group looks as if they could possibly be good if Jalen Hurts is sweet. It doesn’t seem to be he’s going to be, and I sit up for getting pissed about it with the homies. My one want is that if Hurts does find yourself being good, we credit score him and never some entrance workplace govt.
Our GM thinks he’s the famous person of the group, and he is likely to be. Our greatest participant is a middle who has threatened to retire for the previous three years. Fletcher Cox hasn’t been good because the Tremendous Bowl 12 months, however he’s nonetheless getting paid like he’s Aaron Donald. We spent our first spherical decide on a run-stuffing DT when no sensible group runs the ball anymore. Our defensive coordinator doesn’t imagine in blitzing, or overlaying individuals, or something, actually. His philosophy is simply that if we play 15 yards off individuals, opposing offenses will screw up on their very own.
I’m a diabetic, and I take a cocktail of medication to maintain my blood sugars underneath management. As a part of that combination, I now rise up to pee typically within the night time, and every pee stream lasts for as much as two minutes. I additionally get a wholesome dose of diarrhea as a aspect impact from one of many drugs, which wakes me up at 3am for the needs of spewing fireplace from my anus. I incessantly now have “poop dreams,” much like “pee dreams,” the place you’re feeling like you need to go. There’s all the time the danger that when you ignore the dream for too lengthy, your imaginary pee turns into actual piss in your mattress. That has occurred to me as soon as in my grownup life, and I now reside in existential poop dread each night time that I’ll miss the sign and actually shit the mattress.
That’s what it’s prefer to be an Eagles fan. A relentless two-minute drill of piss while praying you don’t shit your self.
It’s Might of 2019. The Sixers are on the ropes within the Jap Convention Semifinals and dealing with elimination in Sport 6 at residence. My brother and I’ve a relative with season tickets, however since he’s a fairweather fan, he decides to provide his seats to us since he, “didn’t want to see them lose on home court.”
The seats are glorious. The perfect I’ve ever had for a reside sporting occasion. Now, the Sixers have this new custom of an honorary “Bell Ringer,” normally some native celeb/athlete/and so on who walks out and rings a mini reproduction of the Liberty Bell with a mallet at half courtroom earlier than the sport to get the gang additional pumped. The Bell Ringers for Sport 6 are Eagles favorites Lane Johnson and Chris Lengthy, each carrying the rubber “underdog” canine masks which have turn into ubiquitous in Philly with the 2017 Tremendous Bowl run. They ring the bell and begin strolling off the courtroom in our course. Lane Johnson takes off his canine masks and begins waving it round, clearly about to throw it into the stands.
That is when my brother goes feral: his eyes widen like in Requiem for a Dream, he begins frothing on the mouth. As Lane Johnson throws the masks into the stands, my brother lets out a primitive guttural yell and he leaps ahead about two rows.
He faceplants proper into the again of a metallic stadium seat, breaking his nostril.
He begins gushing blood in all places, ruining some poor Raptors fan’s jersey. Luckily, it’s a rally towel giveaway night time, so my in-law and I begin grabbing as many rally towels as we will to scrub up the blood and to provide him one thing to carry in opposition to his nostril so he doesn’t drip in all places.
(He didn’t get the masks, in case anybody was questioning.)
I deleted my Fb on January 5, 2020. That was the night time I went to the Linc to look at my Eagles get shredded by the Seahawks in a Wild Card recreation we had no enterprise enjoying in. Not content material to restrict my distress within the Linc, I started posting violently on Fb. This result in a really public, very drawn-out flame struggle between me and my previous highschool civics instructor about whether or not the Eagles (and life) have been price a shit. Then, in some of the lucid moments of any Philly sports activities fan’s life, I believed, “What the fuck am I doing?” and quietly left the sport. I deleted my Fb on the experience residence.
This submission is now the one surviving document of the combat between me and the 70-year-old man who taught me concerning the branches of presidency. Fuck you, Mr. Miller. You recognize I’m proper.
Submissions for the Defector NFL previews are closed. Subsequent up: Pittsburgh Steelers.